So I've been distracting myself with the silliness I've been posting, but the truth is that I'm still falling apart inside and trying to survive on denial.
Nova is so perfect, so healthy and strong, and having him home makes it easy to pretend that there's nothing wrong with him. Then someone or something will remind me and it all comes crashing down again. It was hard, devestating, to lose Alexis, I loved her - but she never came home, I never "knew" her. With Donovan, he is a part of our family, bringing him home makes him "mine" in a way that Alexis never was, and I don't know how to take him back now, how to face the possibility of losing him now.
And so I vascillate back and forth from the super-highs of new-mom happiness where every grunt and grumble is newsworthy event (I didn't tell you guys, he SMILED at me yesterday, and he's starting to coo!) - and the terrified gut-wrenching lows where I picture this all going like it did with Alexis, only worse. It's like being manic depressive, only with a psychotic twist...
This is too hard, I'm not this strong, but life doesn't give us any options sometimes, and here I am doing it, whether it's too hard or not, because this isn't a multiple choice question.
He has the most beautiful smile, and the absolute most adorable perplexed look where he furrows his brow and looks like he's about to say "whatchoo talkin bout Willis?!" I hurt knowing what he's facing, what he's going to have to go through, and it kills me to know that there's nothing I can do to make things better for him.
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