Thursday, May 18, 2006

In less than 2 hours, I'll be at the Sanger Clinic, meeting with Dr. Watts, so that we can ask any questions and he can have the opportunity to explain things we most likely won't even think to ask.

I've been thinking a lot about this appointment the last couple of days. Aiden's mom suggested that I write down my questions. I haven't. Ang suggested that I take a tape recorder so I don't forget the answers. I'm not.

I feel like I need to go to this appointment, but there is absolutely not one ounce of me that wants to. It seems so pointless. Dr. Watts, amazing though he may be, can't answer the questions that really matter, and the questions that he can answer make no difference in the long run, do they?

So why, with the expectations I have, do I feel such an overpowering need to go?

If this appointment had been 3 weeks ago, I'd have skipped it. I nearly called a couple of weeks ago and cancelled it... just a few days after I called to schedule it. Last night I was trying my damnedest to talk myself out of going, and couldn't do it. (Yes, that was an interesting internal dialogue.)

Fuck, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going, that I don't believe I'll learn anything that will do me any good, and that I'll be a fucking wreck afterwards. My hands are already shaking so badly that I'm having a hard time typing.

You'd have to know Dr. Watts to understand how uncomfortable and awkward this is going to be. He's a lot like me, or at least, like the me that the public sees in real life. I don't acknowledge my feelings, I don't cry if I can help it (doubt I'll be able to help it today though) and I am no good at all at accepting condolaences or compliments. Dr. Watts is the same way. You'd think the combination would work well for us, but it doesn't really. It's just uncomfortable, with much speechless-making.


posted by Erin @ 10:06 AM   0 comments



This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Name:
Donovan "Nova" LeClair
Location:

Monroe, North Carolina
Bio:
Nova was our second child to be born with congenital heart defects. We lost our daughter at 12 days after open heart surgery in 2001. Nova was born 12/2/05, with Pulmonary Atresia with VSD. He lived 6 weeks after surgery, and passed away on April 6th, 2006. This blog is his story, and the on-going story of how our family is dealing with the loss of our beautiful boy.
View Erin Monahan's Complete Profile

Click Here to Donate



Our Links:


"Poetic Acceptance"
our website for grieving parents





Press Box and Publicity




This Site Has HEART

My site was nominated for Best Charity Blog!

Heart Kids
Forever Young Mommy Steps


Heart Links




Page best when viewed at 1024 x 768

online
Adult Dating
Visit NCBlogs
Listed on BlogShares