Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I guess it's time to start thinking about packing up Nova's things, not sure I'm "there" yet though. I haven't touched them since he went into the hospital. His crib still stands next to my bed, all of his clothes are still folded, right where they were 2 1/2 months ago. The diaper bag is still in the livingroom, his toys in his crib. The swing and bouncy seat (and car seat too) are still right where they go. My niece found out she was pregnant a month or 2 ago, before Nova died. I told her that she could have his things when he outgrew them. Now the idea of giving them away feels like betraying his memory. I know, rationally, that it's silly to feel that way, but it doesn't change the fact that it's how I feel. Part of it is Alexis residue... We sold her crib less than a month after she died, and I wasn't ready to get rid of it. But the truth is, as long as that crib is set up beside our bed, I can't sleep in there. I haven't spent one night in my bed in, well, since even before he died. I can't make myself lay there staring through the empty slats. The problem is that he spent a lot of time in our bed with us - it's a water bed, and he loved that it was all warm and snuggly, and I loved having him there beside me, listening to him breathe, feeling his chest rise and fall. It's hard to lay in it without him.
When I finally called to make that appointment with Dr. Watts yesterday, I didn't know exactly how to explain to her what kind of appointment I needed. She had an idea, since Dr. Watts, as a surgeon, doesn't see a lot of his patients in the office. It was all so uncomfortable for both of us. It's called a deceased something-or-other. My brain got stuck on the word deceased and I missed the rest... You know, he'd be 5 months old today.
When we were in New York, we went to Scott's Aunt Rose's birthday party. It was her 50th and it was a pretty big affair. Of course, somewhere along the way, she opened gifts, and then we sang Happy Birthday and she blew out the candles. At first Terra decided that it was her
birthday, but when we started singing, she apparently decided it was Nova's birthday, and when we all sang "Happy birthday to youuuuu!" she
said "Happy birthday to NOVA!!!!!" But whenever she gets on the swing, she asks me to push her, "Higher higher!! Up up da sky where Nova lives!!!" She loved him so much... She doesn't really understand, not that I expect her to really. How can I expect her to, when I still don't?
posted by Erin @ 8:52 AM