Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Amazing, special, resilient, inspirational, impressive, strong, brave, courageous. . .
Though you've all used these words to describe me, I am none of them, because you don't see me after the house is quiet, and everyone is asleep. You don't see me when I'm home alone, or when I'm in the shower, or when I come apart at the seams over a scene in LOST, or the lyrics of a song, or a diaper commercial, or the tiny size 1 diaper I find on my desk, or the swing/bouncy seat/car seat when I see them, or those blog posts that rip my guts out. You don't see the times I grit my teeth against the jealousy and anger, or the times I simultaneously wish I had a gun, and thank my lucky stars that I don't.
My posts/poems have been called "beautifully painful" and "brutally honest" "helpful." They are what they are, and only by the nature of my experience, and because I post only when I'm having a 'good' moment (or at the very least, a 'not so bad' moment) and not when I'm locked in the bathroom dying - because at those times I'm unable to post. Simple as that.
I wish you all saw the laundry piled in the washroom floor, the loads of paperwork and old mail on my desk, the dust so thick you can draw pictures in it on the furniture. You don't know that I've only cooked dinner for my family once or twice in the last month, or that most days I can't remember which kid has what after-school activity or field trip. I haven't told you that I've slept on the couch most nights since he went into the hospital, and every night since he died. I haven't told you that I've become clingy and dependent, and find myself afraid, every day, that I'm incapable of doing any given task. I question my self at all times, I hate for my husband to be anywhere other than at my side. You probably don't understand that the reason I continue to post here is that I can't bear to let go.
I thank you all, for your support, for your sympathy and caring, and for a sincerely dedicated readership, and friendship. I hope that my words are of some use to you, but don't admire me too much, the truth is, I don't show you the moments that may very well leave you with a very different impression of me.
posted by Erin @ 10:51 PM