Wednesday, June 14, 2006
2 1/2 months, and I think it's harder now than it was in the beginning. At first, you're busy with funeral preparations and the inevitable financial issues, for a while you're numb, for a while you're in a state of denial, or at least, disbelief. Eventually, you run out of distractions and run face-first into reality. I cry more as time goes on, rather than less. It doesn't make sense, and yet it does.
His things are gone, and like I said, the empty places where they used to sit just serve as constant reminders. I have several pregnant friends and family members that remind me, a couple of friends with babies very very close to the age Nova would be if he'd survived. All just painful markers that make me face the finality of death.
I'm finding the anger, the frustration, railing at the unfairness. Damn it, wasn't losing one
child punishment enough? Wasn't one
tiny ivory casket sufficient to repay whatever past wrong I've done or prove that I'm a survivor, or to turn me into some tool for the greater good
? (I don't want to be a tool for anyone, I want to be Nova's mother...) What more am I supposed to do, how much more will I lose? And that's the thing you see. With Nova, I was, at times, so sure he would make it because, surely, it just couldn't
happen twice. Only it did happen again, he's dead, he's gone
. And some part of me has reached a point that I cannot be comfortable in the idea that now
everything will be ok, that now
I've suffered enough. So sometimes I wonder what's next. I don't trust the universe anymore. And that pisses me off.
So many people live their lives blissfully ignorant of reality. They suffer from it-can't-happen-to-me syndrome. Hell, I did too. Twice
Obviously, I'm having a pissy day, a feel sorry for myself day, a life sucks
day. It doesn't matter, won't change a thing. Nothing will. And that, too, pisses me off.
posted by Erin @ 4:01 PM