Sunday, June 18, 2006

You are not alone.

People have said it to me, I've heard/read when other people have said it to other people, I've said it to other people. And damn it, it's true... in an abstract sort of way anyway. After Alexis died, I was absolutely convinced that I was totally and completely alone. Since Nova I've realized, that in practical terms anyway, I'm not, there are plenty of people feeling the same things I do, posing the same questions during their own little internal dialogue with the powers that be.

But when it comes down to it, each of us is, more often than not, personally alone with our pain. We aren't lucky enough to have a constant companion at our side, dealing with the exact same pain at the exact same time we are. And let's be honest here, wouldn't it be horrible if we did have such a person!?

See, the hardest part of grieving sometimes is the sense of isolation, and yet, for me personally, sometimes I'm a selfish ass, and I curl up on the couch with my grief, hold on to it like a kid with their favorite blanket, and hoard it all to myself. It's all there is left some days: the pain and the loss and the utter senselessness of it all. It is mine in a way that Nova no longer is, and I know that it will always be there, and I don't have to share it if I damn well don't want to.

The flip side of that, however, is that sometimes, I want to pass it out like candy I've eaten too much of. It begins to sour on my stomach a little and I want to get rid of it. Sometimes, I just want it to be done and over with. So I'm selfish and I'm fickle, and what I want and need changes with the minute. One instant I want everyone to leave me alone and the next, I'm in tears wondering why no one has asked me if I'm ok.

It's "normal" (whatever that means) and I know it, but it's still frustrating. I'm too analytical for my own good sometimes is all. The rational logical realist in me hates it when it sees the over-riding rest of me being an emotional mess, expecting people to read my mind, to swarm and/or disperse depending on my latest whim.

You all want to know the impetus for this post? It's because I feel I owe you an apology. See, from 5pm yesterday afternoon until 5:30 this afternoon, my stat counter registered no visitors. There was a big fat zero in the total visitors column, for over 24 hours. I spent a good part of that time feeling dejected, and it hurt my feelings to no end to think that Nova's blog had gone completely unread for more than a day. I went to make dinner around 3:30... Barbequed pork ribs, followed by a home made marble cake... It is Father's Day after all, and I had a husband to pamper. But in the back of my mind, I was feeling abandoned, and frankly, a little jealous.

So eventually dinner was finished and cleared away, and I came back to check my email and piddle a bit, but by that point I was obsessing about my stats, so I head over to check them. Lo and behold, all of a sudden there are visits going all the way back to yesterday afternoon, with no unusually long periods without visits - meaning that my stat counter had gone nutty, and I'd gone right along with it. I had assumed that the counter was working properly because it was logging visits to my other blog at a normal rate. Little did I know, it too was missing about half the hits that were actually being made.

So, I'm sorry. I'm a cad. You've all shown me, time and time again, that you are out there, reading and caring. I should have known to distrust technology before doubting any of you. Feel free to throw rotten tomatoes, or leave nasty comments in the reply box, I deserve it for being such a selfish twit. I am hanging my head in shame, quite literally.

posted by Erin @ 4:32 PM   5 comments

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Donovan "Nova" LeClair

Monroe, North Carolina
Nova was our second child to be born with congenital heart defects. We lost our daughter at 12 days after open heart surgery in 2001. Nova was born 12/2/05, with Pulmonary Atresia with VSD. He lived 6 weeks after surgery, and passed away on April 6th, 2006. This blog is his story, and the on-going story of how our family is dealing with the loss of our beautiful boy.
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