Saturday, June 10, 2006
I thought I was going to be ok with it. Mostly, I am. But my niece stopped by to show me all the things (little clothes and stuff) she'd bought for her son. It's hard to look at those things. Especially when giving away all the things your son ever had. You know how it is, you see those tiny little clothes and get that "awww" feeling and picture the baby in it... Not only did it bring back memories of Nova, and the realization (all over again) that I'll never see him in any new little outfits, but it also reminded me that I'll never have any more children to feel that way over. I'm not insane enough to actually want more children, realistically. There is too much chance of another CHD, but there is a certain sad finality involved with the knowledge that my tubes are tied and I can not
have another baby...
I've had seven children. Sometimes, looking back, it seems like I've been pregnant my whole life. Having babies is what I've always done. Mothering an infant was a constant for me. And they were things I loved doing (Not that I was ever big on the actual fat-waddley-pregnant bit) but will never do again. Those things are of the past. And that makes me sad, it makes me empty. It is something else that Congenital Heart Defects have stolen from me.
posted by Erin @ 4:04 PM