Sunday, July 09, 2006

Nova's been gone for a little over 3 months now. Pretty soon we'll reach the point that he'll be gone longer than he was alive. He's already been gone longer than we had him at home. 3 months and I still cry every day. I get up and do the laundry and make dinner and I buy gifts and plan birthday parties (Terra turned 3 today) I bathe kids, and redesign blog templates and I sell books and I do fundraising, and I write poetry and I do 90% of it on auto-pilot, just waiting for this time of night, when they all go to bed.
Then, I look at Nova's pictures, the ones I took while he was home, before he had a scar down his chest, before his stomach was laid open, before he had a colostomy and a tube taped to his face... I didn't see his face without that tube for 45 days before he died, with the exception of the time he was temporarily and unsuccessfully extubated. While he was in the hospital I kept saying how I missed seeing him, and how I couldn't wait until he was off the vent permanently. I just kept telling myself that he needed the ventilator, that I'd see his beautiful face when he was better, stronger, healthier.
I was wrong. I only saw his face, his whole face, untaped and untubed and bare, as he died in my arms, and I will never see it again - so I study the pictures, pictures of the face that was stolen from me by CHD even before he was - and I cry, and I miss him, and sometimes I still sleep with his bear, and yes, even three months and 2 days later, I want him back.
I just want my baby. Doesn't seem like too much for a mother to ask for, but it's the one thing I'll never have.

posted by Erin @ 12:31 AM   3 comments

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Donovan "Nova" LeClair

Monroe, North Carolina
Nova was our second child to be born with congenital heart defects. We lost our daughter at 12 days after open heart surgery in 2001. Nova was born 12/2/05, with Pulmonary Atresia with VSD. He lived 6 weeks after surgery, and passed away on April 6th, 2006. This blog is his story, and the on-going story of how our family is dealing with the loss of our beautiful boy.
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