Monday, July 17, 2006
I have a tendency only to blog when I'm feeling good, like yesterday. The post inspired by Michael's post was one that came along in the middle of an exceptionally good period of the day. Today though, seems like I've felt the exact opposite. I've spent most of the day trying to avoid everyone, most of the evening in the yard in tears - it's just too hard to explain to the other kids, to see how uncomfortable it makes them when I'm upset. And truthfully, when I'm wallowing, I prefer to do it alone. "Misery loves company" doesn't really apply to me. I'm selfish about it and hoard my misery. And sometimes I just have to remove myself simply because I'm tired of having to "be ok."
One of the hardest parts of losing a child, losing anyone really I guess, is the fact that life goes on around you, even at those times when you really just need everything to stop
. Having other kids is hard too, they want their mother. They expect me to know the answer or to cook the meal or to do whatever it is that they need done. You'd think that now
would be the time when I'd be cherishing them, but sometimes I find myself holding them at arms length. Sometimes I just want to be Nova's mom, and if I can't be Nova's mom, I don't want to be anybody's
It's almost like I don't trust them... I saw a movie once about a man who found out he was dying, terminal cancer or something, I don't remember. What I remember is that he was angry, and that he used that anger to try to put his family at a distance, as if he could alienate them enough that his death wouldn't hurt them so much. That's almost how I feel, as if I expect them to up and die and if I hold them away, hold myself away, then maybe it won't rip my heart out. Yes, I know it's ridiculous, but I don't see it while
I'm doing it, I only see it in retrospect, after they're asleep and I look back on the day.
It's like grieving makes me have dual personalities, like I am two distinct people. The things I said in my post yesterday are 100% my truth, and yet, feeling blessed by Nova's life doesn't make losing him any less painful - if anything, it hurts worse to have lost someone so utterly amazing. And yet, on days like today, when I'm at my lowest, I still feel completely blessed and amazingly lucky to have had him.
The two things seem
to be at odds with one another, but somehow, they're not, they coincide perfectly.
posted by Erin @ 11:11 PM