Thursday, August 03, 2006
I've never been one to do a lot of partying on New Years Eve anyway, never really fell into the concept of resolutions or the idea that January 1st had any great significance. But you see, there's a funny thing that happens when you lose a child. Your calendar changes.
The year no longer ends on December 31st or begins on January 1st. I've spent nearly 5 years judging the passage of time by Alexis' birth and death, with August being the month that signals the change of the year. I'm a matter of weeks from the start of another year since her passing, and I find myself obsessing about it, about how she'd have started kindergarten this year. I also find myself wondering how to track my years now, now that I've had and lost Nova too. Two birthdays to mourn through, 2 death dates ("angel-versaries") to memorialize. I have a feeling that it will be different with Nova's dates than it has ever been with Alexis' though I can't quite explain why.
I suppose that's a bridge to cross when the waters rise. For now, I'm posting a poem I've been working on about Alexis. I'm sure Nova wouldn't mind sharing his (blog)space with his sister's memory for tonight. powered by ODEO
Summer stole my breath,
poured it into a mug
and handed it back like coffee,
steaming - a fog falling
on a world turned upside down.
It is always
humid and bloated, grey-blue
coming and going and coming again.
It's wilted breezes, untied ribbons
tree bound kite strings
and long nights with nothing to do
but fight with trying to remember
and trying not to forget
But most of all it's breathing,
the swirl of cream in my cup
and missing you.
posted by Erin @ 2:00 AM