Sunday, August 27, 2006
Today Daddy and I were talking about going to the park. You see, they have a track there, and you made us both think a lot more about taking care of our health, so we're going to start running every morning. We haven't been to that
park in a very long time. I started thinking about how long it had been and I realized that the last time we were there Terra was about the age you'd be now. I remember pushing her around in the stroller, and sliding her chubby little legs into the leg holes of the baby swing. I was sad that we never took you to the park. You'd have loved it - you always loved your little swing, and you were always so thrilled to be outside. Like you were looking at everything, soaking it all in before you had to go. How I wish you didn't have to go. There's so much of the world that you never saw, that I never showed you, and so much of the world that I never saw before that you've shown me.
I don't remember the sound of your cry anymore, but I remember how you'd stop when I picked you up, and the way you'd nuzzle into my neck. I remember the sparkle in your eye, and the way I always felt like it was just for me. God how I loved every minute you were mine. I miss you so much, so so much.
Sometimes, at night, I go outside and look up at the stars, and I talk to you, inside my head, you know? And I tell you how I love you and how much I miss you, but I wonder if you can really hear me. You see, I don't believe you became an angel the day you died, I believe you were an angel when you were a born, an angel I had the privilege to care for, for far too short a time.
And I won't ask you to look over me, or to look out for me, because that's not the way it's supposed to work. I was supposed to protect you, not vice versa. And I was supposed to teach you, but that's not how it worked out at all. I learned so much from you Nova, and I wonder just how you did it, without ever saying a word - and even now, after you've gone, through the pain and emptiness, I'm still learning.
You were not a child, you were a phenomenon, so powerful and wise. And I know that if you'd been born healthy, if you were still alive, the years would have diluted that strength and I don't want to unlearn your lessons, but oh how I want you back.
I love you baby. I love you and I miss you, and I always will.
posted by Erin @ 11:45 PM