Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Seems like my guts have become this writhing mass and it's been too hard to sort things out enough to really put words to them. All I get are little bits here and there, bits that don't make much sense and certainly wouldn't be much of a blog post. I'm feeling really restless, like there's something I'm supposed to be doing and I can't remember what it is. You know, Nova's been gone nearly 5 months now, and last night I caught myself about to yell at the boys for being too loud in the hallway near my bedroom. For a split second I forgot, for a fraction of an instant, I thought Nova was asleep in the bedroom and I was worried that they'd wake him up. I realized that it's mothering that I'm supposed to be doing, that's the restlessness.
My neice is going to be induced on Wednesday. She'll be doing the mothering soon. I want to go to the hospital and be there for her, but I don't know if I'll be strong enough. The numbers will be at work again. Wednesday is the 6th. 5 months to the day of Nova's death.
I am raw, again. More raw than I was for the first few months. You'd think it got easier, and it does, but this is that period during which the reality becomes undeniable, when everyone has gone on about their lives and I've run out of things to do to avoid the truth. Not only that, I'm having to really face, and in some ways relive, the experience by way of newspaper interviews. Do you know that I can't remember the details of Nova's surgery? I don't remember exactly what they did to his heart. I think I knew at the time, but the human brain has its own set of defense mechanisms, and forgetting is the first. Things get hazy, or disappear all together. So much so that I realize in retrospect that I've been incorrect with my answers to some of the questions that the reporter has asked. Like the day we found out that Nova's heart was broken. I didn't remember Scott being there, and even told her that I was there alone. I suppose I was in shock more than I realized. At the time, it didn't seem like such a surprise. It felt like the world fell out from beneath me, but not really surprising. Guess my mind was protecting itself again. When I told you guys, did I seem shocked? I don't remember. There is so much I don't remember.
I got an email from one of the nurses from CVRU tonight, one of my favorites, one who came to Nova's funeral. Some of them have started a Heart Walk team. I think it's wonderful, and I'm glad it's what they've decided to do. I would have felt badly if they'd done anything major for Team Nova once I found out that Mika had formed a team. She's so involved with CVRU, it would have made me feel badly if they'd have supported us more than her. I won't put them in such a position next year, it was wrong of me to do so this year. It sure makes me look like a selfish ass.
posted by Erin @ 12:33 AM