Sunday, September 17, 2006
You know, life has gone crazy in the last year. Last year at this time, Erin was pregnant, still unaware of her child's heart defect, pretty smug in the idea that the universe had pulled the rug out from under her enough for one lifetime. She was thinking about cribs and booties and tiny diapers. She waddled, she smiled, she worried, she was hormonal and ate too many Pringles. She was happy in the monotony of being a mother. She was content with mostly-silent grief.
Only the Pringles remain.
Losing Nova has been a different experience than losing Alexis. I've said before that where she shut me down, he opened me up. I knew after Nova that I was not alone, and that there was a need beyond my own, and a positive way to express my grief, my pain, and my frustration. No one ever told me that after Alexis, no one had to after Nova - he did it.
But even as I thought about how to keep a handle on life through loss, and considered ways to fulfill Nova's purpose, the one thing I did not ever contemplate was being some sort of local mouthpiece for the CHD cause. I'm a behind-the-scenes kind of person, not an on-the-stage type. Looking back on the last 5 months, I still wonder how I ended up where I am, because it certainly was no intentional move on my part.
That isn't to say that I regret it, I'm here now, wherever that may be, and, being rain
, I go with the flow, find ways over and around obstacles, seep into the spaces that need filling. This is my new space, and I'm happy to fall into this puddle, and hope that it becomes a pond, a lake, an ocean. I want to continue to change the things that need changing.
But the truth is, without the Heart Walk to concentrate on, I'm not sure which direction to go in now. There are things I have planned for next year's Heart Walk, but that won't even restart until next year, and I know I can't only do that
- I have to find other ways to accomplish things. Other things to accomplish. I just don't know exactly what, or how.
I suppose I've got some thinking to do. Some people to talk to, and somehow through all of this, I've got to find that "new normal" that I don't want to have to find. I miss my babies, and I want to do something, but I think I have to learn to live again while I'm at it. Losing Nova has really changed me - anyone who's ever lost a child will tell you that it does that, changes you. I'm thankful that this has been a positive change, but it's a change nonetheless, and I have to get a grip on who I am now, get to know this new me and how she sees things. I mean, this Erin has been on the stage, been on the news, and had/is having newspaper articles written about her. She's not a behind the scenes person... I don't know how to be the star, that was Nova's job.
posted by Erin @ 7:08 PM