Tuesday, December 26, 2006
I suppose I should at least acknowledge that Christmas came and went. I didn't look forward to it, and despite all the things I did this year, and all the ways I tried to get into the spirit of the holiday, truth is, I was hoping just to survive it.
For the most part, other people don't do a lot of acknowledging your grief during a holiday - they don't want to upset you, they don't want to ruin the day for you, or, sometimes, they just don't want to ruin it for themselves. I'm used to it in a way. I've dealt with the elephant-in-the-living-room phenomenon since we lost Alexis. It doesn't even piss me off the way it used to, but it does make me sad. No one outwardly acknowledged Nova or his absence, or the void... It feels a little like people think he didn't deserve it.
I recognize that to be one of those irrational emotional reactions, but I also know that grief and rationality aren't particularly comfortable bedmates. It's a struggle to keep a grasp on reality on a average day. Particularly difficult on a holiday that is so completely geared toward children.
But Scott, beautiful man that he is, bought me the perfect gift to show me that he was thinking of Nova too, and wanted to include him in this Christmas. It was nothing overt, nothing that intruded on anyone else's celebration - just a quiet gesture, a private message conveyed with such simplicity between the two of us. I doubt that I'll ever be able to thank him deeply enough for putting so much thought into this Christmas, or for understanding me so completely that he could even begin to do something so perfect.
If there is such a thing as a soul mate, he is mine, and I can't even put into words how grateful I am to have him in my life.
posted by Erin @ 11:33 PM