Sunday, December 31, 2006
Ringing (or 'rumming') in the New YearI have been, again, largely absent... I keep thinking I'm going to come back full force like I was, but then there's another crappy birthday, or Christmas, or, today, the passing of the year in which Nova lived and died. I try my damnedest to stay 'up' but it takes too much energy. I've done all sorts of charity work thinking it would make me feel better, but (though it has felt good) it hasn't done a damn thing to fill the void.
Today we took down the Christmas decorations I didn't want to put up in
the first place, and I was just as bitter about packing them away as I
was about putting them up... While taking out the decorations on Thanksgiving, I found his stocking from last year, his first and only Christmas. Today, I had to wrap and pack up the ornament we put on the tree for him this year. Seems like everything hurts. But really? The pain I expect - it's the bitterness that bothers me. It's the thing that ate me alive after losing Alexis, and the thing I'd hoped to avoid after losing Nova. Looks like I'm losing that battle, again.
So, tonight -well starting last night I guess- I gave in and pulled out the rum. I don't drink very often, but I figure I'll be an ugly sappy drunk by midnight.
I already hate 2007... because Nova will never see it.
How's that for strong and inspirational? Thank goodness these moments are short-lived, and that I can honestly say that right now it seems so bad because of all the holidays, plus Nova's birthday... It's nice to know I'll feel better when the holidays are over, but it doesn't really help all that much in the now.
copied in large part from my most recent post on Grieving Hearts CHD Grief Support group
posted by Erin @
10:35 PM
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