Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Tommy ... (2 years) ...
Kory ... (3 years) ...
Kassi ... (3 years) ...
Bren ... (3 1/2 years) ... Alexis ... (2 years) ...
Terra ... (3 years) ... Nova .......
My pregnancies have been fairly evenly spaced. 'Roundabout 3 years between each. In a rational world, that would mean that my children were evenly spaced as well, but because of CHDs, Brendon and Terra are nearly 6 years apart - their births bookending Alexis's birth and death. That gap was long and dark, but it was bearable once we had Terra - her birth was a bit of a re-birth for our family, she turned the light back on for us. She reminded us about life and love and hope. With her we resumed our 2-3 year cycle of adding another child to our home, and proceeded to have Nova.
When we found out about his CHD, even before he was born, we decided that he'd be our last. That the chance was too great of having another heart baby, and -fully believing that Nova would survive- decided that I'd have my tubes tied after his birth because we didn't want to put another child at risk, and because we'd already have Nova and his ongoing medical conditions to deal with - it wouldn't be fair to take the chance of adding another heart baby to the family when our plates would already be so full with our 5 heart healthy kids plus all Nova's possible issues, which, many of you know from experience, can be complicated and time consuming.
And so Nova was to be my last child. Snip snip and the deed was done, ending our worries about more babies. It was a decision that was inarguable in our minds, and one that I resolved not to regret. It was a completely practical, intelligent decision. It was the right thing to do. Right? Undoubtedly, especially after finding out that our chances of having another heart baby was somewhere between 25% and 40%. I mean *whew* thank goodness
we can't have anymore children!
Then we lost Nova.
We lost Nova and there will never be a 'closing' bookend. No stop gap to the emptiness. There will never be another little one to turn the light back on.
I know rationally
that I made the right decision. That having another child would be too risky both for the child, and for our family's sanity. I can not imagine having another heart baby and reliving, again, the experiences we've already lived through twice. Even if we had a heart baby that survived the surgeries, it would just be too much on all of us. And in a rational
world, all that would make a difference to my heart right now. But rationality isn't really a functioning principle in my life anymore.
So here's a peek into the insanity of a twice-bereaved mother's mind: I desperately want another baby.
posted by Erin @ 7:49 PM