Saturday, February 24, 2007
So much going on lately, in my real life, in my 'alternate' online life, and in my head too. I've been doing that thing I'm famous for, which is, being unbelievably sad, failing to cope, and denying the fact... and finding things to do that keep me busy enough that I can keep up the denial.
I guess Nova's birthday and Christmas hurt a lot more and a lot longer than I wanted to admit. And a few days ago was the 1 year anniversary of the last time I held him, the day of his surgery. I don't think I expected it to hit me as hard as it did, but I guess knowing it was the last time I held him alive
made it a significant date to commemorate. I was going to kick off my 2007 Heart Walk fundraising that day, but I didn't/couldn't do it.
I have signed up, our donation page
is ready. I just don't know how really to start it. I made a post on my other blog about it, but it's different this year, somehow I'm intimidated. Maybe because we were so successful last year... I'm afraid I won't be able to live up to it, and I'll feel like I failed Alexis and Nova.
So instead of fundraising, I've opened my own mommies group
. It's been open 8 days and we've got nearly 100 members already. We (my dearest friends in the world and my husband and I) have put hours and hours into just getting it functional, then we went public and faced a lot of melodrama from members of the site I recently left. But we've already had several events and there's another big one tomorrow... we're good, we're happy, we're active, it's been a success and our children are loving it.
But the point is that I got into doing it (subconsciously) to avoid what I've been feeling. It's crazy how I see that I do that, I know that I need to stop doing thta and just face my emotions, and yet, keep doing what I'm doing. I used to think I was going crazy. Nowadays, I think I'm grasping at straws trying to hold on to what little sanity is left...
posted by Erin @ 7:18 PM